And now, it’s time for…
Excerpts from Novels that Never Existed! NOTE: The excerpts below, and the non-existent novels from which they are taken, are all © 2022 by Cedric Williams
“Eat your beets!” said Mama!
“I shan’t!” said Papa!
“Shut up and eat your basmati, both of you!” ordered Lassie!
“But…” said Papa, “basmati doesn’t exist.”
“Neither do you!” hollered Lassie. “So continue eating your non-existent food, you non-existent bastard!”
“Screw you, Lassie! I refuse to continue to not exist!” Damn!
The last time I saw Walter, he bit me 32 times, whilst blasting “Puff The Magic Dragon” from the Marshall stacks that he carries in his colon. But this time I came prepared. I was wearing a suit of chain mail and fart-cancelling headphones. However, my smell-cancelling nose plugs were still on the drawing board.
One time a thing occurred to me. Another time another thing occurred to me. Then this one time this one thing occurred to me. Thrice three things occurred to me. But never has nothing occurred to me. Not once.
“Holy crap!” exclaimed Sam. “I cannot believe the depth of this portable uvula!”
“I know!” replied Bill. “The depth is imperceptible.”
They were both right. This was the most vaguely deep portable uvula ever made by human hands (of course, neither of them had seen the inhuman models). One could not tell, by any available means, whether it was 8 feet deep or 37 light-years deep. One thing was for certain, though. It was big. Even bigger (and more vague) than the Hyundai UV model Pi.
“This is going nowhere,” stated Bam.
“Yes,” confirmed Sill. “Screw Flanders.”
Voyages with Parkinson's 