And now, once again, it’s time for…
Excerpts from Novels that Never Existed! NOTE: The excerpts below, and the non-existent novels from which they are taken, are all © 2022 by Cedric Williams
Then there was the time my uncle’s walrus escaped. It used its tusks to enter the PIN on the keypad that controlled the locks on the door. Once it chloroformed the guard, it lumbered to the nearest liquor store, where it loaded up on MD 20/20. After it got thoroughly drunk, it headed to the midway at the county fair. It played Ring Toss and won a giant Scooby Doo.
Odd, ain’t it?
Then the walrus went to China Panda, ate 300 pounds of rice, and puked like a mad man.
I worked for OSHA for several years, mostly in the Capybara Farm Division. Site visits were always something special, as capybara are-a very generous with their love. The number and nature of work-related injuries caused by amorous capybara boggles the mind. One enterprising young beast went to Taco Bell to acquire a spork, which he then used to sharpen his hoonis before humping/stabbing a farm hand to death. In another case, a mechanic was changing out a tractor’s spleen when a female beastie sneaked up and smothered him with her luscious thighs!
I was awaiting a call from Mr. Banana Nose, when the phone rang.
“Mr. Banana Nose?” I asked. Then I realized that I should pick up the phone before talking. It rang again. Having lost my arms in a recent chainsaw juggling accident, I was unsure of what to do. So I asked louder: “MR. BANANA NOSE?” It rang again. Just then, Mr. Passion Fruit Nose walked in.
“Thank goodness you’re here!” I yelped. “Could you pick up the phone for me?”
Mr. Passion Fruit Nose shrugged, picked up my sousaphone, and left. Had my arms still been with me, I would have punched him in the passion fruit. However, had my arms still been with me, I would never have asked him to pick up any phone. Thus, this point was pointless.
Again the telephone rang. I realized there was nothing I could do. Mr. Banana Nose would have to leave a message with my new secretary, who just happened to be MRS. Banana Nose! And she was peeling.
When I arrived for the job interview, I was immediately sheared and de-horned, leaving me cold and unhorny – not a good situation when trying to make a first impression. Nevertheless, I walked into the board room and yodeled like there was no tomorrow! Which there wasn’t, according to the Mayan calendar. But those dead bastards were dead wrong. Which is good, because it would’ve been pretty fuckin’ stupid to spend my last day on Earth at a job interview! In the end, I was successful. I am now the CEO of Nad Grabbers, Int’l.
Voyages with Parkinson's 