Now that the college bowl season is well underway, I feel I should share my idea for a new college bowl game. I came up with this idea over 20 years ago, but have never had the money or connections to make it happen. The idea, quite simply, is to identify the two WORST teams in the country, and invite them to a bowl game against each other. And this grandiose event would be called…

The Toilet Bowl

I always wanted this bowl game to be sponsored by Toilet Duck, because of my love of this commercial.

Great idea so far, right? But that’s not all! The two football teams wouldn’t be the only crappy elements of this bowl. Far from it! I would also assemble the worst possible officiating crew. Y’know, which referee made the most bad calls, or repeatedly interfered in the game by getting hit in the face with the ball? Then there’s the television crew. Only the most inept camera operators would be accepted, and the commentators would have to be awful as well. Ahhh, if only we could bring John Madden back from the dead! But since we can’t, our commentators would be a couple of guys with Tourette’s Syndrome. Finally, there’s the question of venue. The Toilet Bowl would have to be played at Albertsons Stadium in Boise, Idaho. Not because of the quality of the stadium, but because of their turf: the field is as blue as the water in my toilet.

I think that covers about everything. So if any of you fine readers out there have a million or so bucks to invest, or have the NCAA connections to make this happen, then let’s get this shit show on the road!

Oh, yeah! The halftime show?

Barry Manilow