Greetings, gentle readers!

As you have no doubt noticed, the security of our nation’s critical infrastructure is under ever-increasing scrutiny. As our internet dependency continues to grow, so grows the need for protection of our communications infrastructure, as well as the electric grid that powers it. The need to secure our gas and oil pipelines, dams, and water treatment plants is evident. Yet there remains one key piece of our critical infrastructure that has been largely ignored: gravity. No one likes to think about it, but imagine what would happen if the gravity grid were to be shut down by a computer virus, or by a terrorist attack at a key gravity plant or substation.

The fact is our planet’s gravity infrastructure is aging, and is subject to increasing demand. As I’m sure every one of us already knows, the United States of America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic. What you might not know is that this epidemic is the main cause of the increasing demand being placed on our gravity resources. Y’see, as we continue to gain weight, we are each consuming more and more of the earth’s gravity. This could soon necessitate rolling gravity blackouts in our more obese communities. In the long term, the U.S. could become dependent on imports of foreign gravity. Of course, at some future point, the world’s supply of gravity will run out. Obviously, we need to keep these gravity reserves available for as long as we can, which means one thing: we gotta lose weight.

So come on, America! Let’s all strive together to shed that excess fat, so that our children and our childrens’ children don’t float off into space.