Copyright 2003 by Cedric Williams; continued from part one

For many millennia, the goats ruled the Earth. Over time, all the remaining human-built infrastructure was either destroyed or converted for goat usage. Tables and chairs were removed from restaurants, and replaced with rows of garbage-filled troughs. In most parts of the world, human-designed toilets were removed from public restrooms, and were replaced with Japanese-style toilets. The ceilings in new buildings were much lower than those required by humans; as such, many of the old human-built structures were remodeled, doubling the number of storeys without increasing the height of the building. Eventually, the entire planet was retro-fitted for goats. The goats were very happy. The sheep were also quite happy and so, to a lesser extent, were the capybaras. But not everyone was happy.

Gradually, over the course of several centuries, the ostriches got pissed. The ostriches (spelled “austriches” down under) became fed up with living in a goat-oriented world. They tired of eating at goat restaurants, of having to cram into goat busses to get to work, and of the singular lack of sand pits in which to bury their heads. After trying for decades to convince amusement park-owning goats to re-fit a few roller coaster cars to accommodate ostriches, they became weary of having their demands for equal treatment rebuffed. Suddenly, unexpectedly, they rebelled. The ostriches ran all over the place, using their powerful legs to kick the crap out of the goats. After several days of this rude-ass kicking (or rude ass-kicking), most of the goats were dead. Soon, the surviving goats decided to surrender. They retreated to a crack house, where they proceeded to smoke crack for all eternity, never caring that they no longer ruled the world.

The ostriches, having seen first-hand the folly of a world run by a single species, were determined to establish a government that would give equal rights and equal access to every individual of every species. As such, they installed a democracy, giving a vote to every single living creature. Unfortunately, this meant that the insects had control ever after.

And the moral of the story is: Don’t join the “Suffrage for Bugs” campaign.