Back in May of this year, I undertook a whirlwind tour of Iowa. One of my stops was the world’s largest truck stop, where I found the product pictured above: TravelJohn! (TM). The exclamation mark is actually part of the brand name, not a reflection of my enthusiasm. But I have been pretty keen on trying this thing.
TravelJohn bills itself as a resealable, disposable urinal. Basically a “piss bottle” that one would hope would be easier (and thus, more sanitary) to use than an actual bottle. Intrigued, I picked up a three-pack and brought it home for testing. I decided to test this product in three phases:
Phase One: Read the instructions printed on the “urinal” and try using it while standing in the bathtub (in case something goes VERY wrong).
Phase Two: Assuming success of Phase One, try using it while on the toilet (in case using it in a seated position presents problems).
Phase Three: Assuming success of Phase Two, try using it in the driver’s seat of my car, while parked in my driveway.
Of course, once Bear got wind of my plans, he decided it was time to lay himself on my bathroom tile for the first time in literally years.
Nevertheless, I proceeded to put liquids into myself, knowing that I may have to “chase” Bear out of the bathroom. But by the time I had to go, Bear had already moved on to another room. So, let’s get started with the testing, shall we? No, not quite yet – settle down, DAMMIT! First, let’s take a look at the silly things. What exactly are these “urinals” that we are about to test? Well, take a look for yourself (12-oz soda can included to provide perspective):
Phase One Results:
So, I’m standing in the middle of an empty bathtub getting ready to take a leak into what is basically a plastic bag. Nothing about this feels awkward. At this point I can already tell you this much: Don’t wait until the urinary emergency is actually underway to open this product. It took me a couple minutes to determine how to unpack and unroll this thing – vital time that could make all the difference when you REALLY gotta go.
The instructions say, “Press plastic collar firmly onto body” and then let flow. Because of the angles involved, it really felt like this wasn’t going to work. But I was standing in the bathtub for a reason. So, I peed. And the TravelJohn worked perfectly! No spillage or dripping, just a bag with urine in it. Since the instructions say you can re-use it until it’s full, and it was less than halfway there, I decided to take advantage of the fact that the product is resealable, and use the same urinal again for Phase Two.
Phase 1.5, in which Cedric fails
As you may recall from the previous sentence, I sealed the pee bag so I could re-use it during Phase Two. It was a bit more awkward trying to position the bag when it was half-full. Once it was in place, I again really felt like it wasn’t going to work. But given the results of Phase One, I pressed forward. Well. It’s a good thing I was on the toilet. Y’see, if you seal something after using it, then you have to unseal it before you can re-use it. Apparently, I failed to grasp this concept. I did NOT unseal the bag, so (of course) the fresh pee didn’t go into it.
I was briefly concerned that I might some day make this same mistake while driving. I took another look at the product’s documentation and learned that each “urinal” holds up to 28 ounces of fluid, and my fears were instantly alleviated. Y’see, most of the “urinary urgency” incidents I’ve experienced were preceded by me sucking down two 12-ounce cans of Mountain Dew in order to stay awake on long drives. So, any time I use a new TravelJohn “in the field”, it will be close enough to full, that I won’t attempt to re-use it.
Phase 1.75, in which Cedric wets his <bleep>
All right, this time I unsealed the stupid thing and it mostly worked. Mostly. It turns out they really meant it when they wrote, “Press plastic collar firmly onto body”. I did not hold it firmly enough. Again, though, I was sitting on the toilet. So, the urine just soaked my crotch on its way into the toilet bowl.
Phase Two Results:
At this point, I had used two of my three TravelJohn!s (not to be confused with Taco John’s). After phases 1.5 and 1.75, I was quite confident that I would successfully complete Phase Two. So much so, that I decided to skip Phase Two and head directly into Phase Three.
Phase Three Results:
In preparation for this “final” test, I draped a large trash bag over the driver’s seat in Bear’s Chariot, then placed two folded bath towels over the trash bag. I immediately recognized that getting my pants unfastened and opened far enough to allow full application of the plastic collar would be very difficult in the seated position. However, this was easily addressed by simply reclining the seat.
This time, I made sure to “Press plastic collar firmly onto body”. Once a firm seal was established, I opened the flood gates. While the urine was flowing, the TravelJohn! worked great: the pee was successfully channeled into the bag. But once the flow stopped, the last ounce or two of urine was stuck between the plastic collar and the body. I tried, and failed, to move the bag and my crotch to a position that would have allowed the remaining urine to drain the rest of the way into the bag. But it was not to be. End result: soggy undies and a wet spot on the upper towel.
The Verdict:
Soggy underwear and a wet spot on the driver’s seat are definitely better than seat and pants being utterly soaked (which I have experienced). And it seems like the spillage might be lessened with practice – but who the Hell wants to practice this? Well, obviously I did.
A quick web search revealed that a variety of TravelJohn! packages are available on Amazon and, for some reason, eBay. The quantities vary from the 3-pack that I bought all the way up to a pack of 18. The cost per individual “urinal” ranges from just under two bucks to over five dollars. Is it worth two-to-five dollars to avoid the soaked seat predicament? To me it is. So, I’ll be checking the truck stops and/or ordering on the web to get me some more TravelJohn!
Voyages with Parkinson's 