I slept in again today. The plan was to visit Hensley Settlement in the afternoon. “What is Hensley Settlement?” you ask. Well, you’re asking the wrong guy, because I never got there. Y’see, my GPS software apparently decided it was time for another battle of wits. I didn’t have an address or longitude / latitude for Hensley Settlement; I just browsed the area on Google Maps, and tapped the Hensley Settlement icon.

The GPS started by having me take the main road out of town (Middlesboro, KY). Then it had me take a very sharp right turn (probably about 160 degrees) onto an alleged state highway. This was a seriously winding, hilly, and narrow road. After several miles, this road ended at a junction with another seriously winding, hilly, and narrow “state highway”. I drove several more miles on this road before the GPS told me to turn right onto an even crazier road. This road was also seriously twisty and hilly, but it was only one lane (and it didn’t claim to be a state highway).

I kept my eyes peeled for potential pull-out and/or turn-around spots along the way but did not spot any before the road morphed into someone’s driveway, and I was surrounded by a pack of barking dogs. As if it wasn’t hard enough to get turned around while a pack of dogs is all around your vehicle, one little shit (a schnauzer) kept darting under my vehicle. Fortunately, the lady of the household popped her head out the front door and bellowed a mighty “HUSH!” And just like that, there were no more dogs, and I cleared the Hell outta there.

When I got back to the state highway, the GPS told me to head the way I had come from. Then it instructed me to turn right (the opposite side of the road from the driveway it had just sent me on). I took a quick glimpse. This road looked even steeper, windier, and narrower than that driveway. On top of that, I hadn’t seen a single road sign mentioning Hensley Settlement. So, with tears in my eyes and my money on my mind, I decided to call it a day and just wander aimlessly around southeast Kentucky to see what I could find.

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Nothing. I found nothing. I eventually returned to Middlesboro, where I had some cheap Mexican food for dinner before retreating to my hotel. Once in my hotel room, I did some stuff on my laptop. In the name of convenience (i.e., not having to move hotel furniture around), I got myself into a somewhat uncomfortable position while using the laptop. So, I was not terribly surprised when I couldn’t get to sleep due to pain in my back.

What did surprise me was the fact that the pain started spreading. I applied approximately 2.35 buttloads of IcyHot to the area where the pain seemed to be originating. This did nothing. In fact, at this point, my whole body felt cramped. I took an extra dose of Carbidopa / Levodopa and a couple of Ibuprofen tablets. Still, it got worse. Soon, not only did I feel cramped all over, I also felt like I could vomit or experience explosive diarrhea at any moment.

At this point, I started debating whether to go to a hospital. But I quite convincingly told myself it was chilly enough outside that I would need to get dressed, and I didn’t think I could dress myself at that point. So, no horse pistol for me. After hovering over the toilet for a few minutes, I actually began to feel better. Soon, only the original back pain remained. And it felt like it would be eased just by laying on my back on a hard, flat surface.

So, I put my back on the tile portion of the hotel room floor and did my best to relax … (to be continued) …