© 2025 by Cedric Williams

Police have arrested a man claiming to be Oscar Mayer after he strolled through City Park, throwing bologna at random parkgoers. The rampage left one man dead, four people injured, and 24 “cheesed-off”.

It all started around two o’clock this afternoon when, according to police, Mr. “Mayer” walked into a nearby King Stoopid’s store and emerged shortly thereafter with several bags full of 16-ounce packages of sliced bologna. He then walked to City Park where, without provocation, he began hurling the unopened packages at random individuals.

We spoke with one such individual, local carousel operator, Axl Vicious.

“At first, everybody thought it was some kind of performance art or something,” Mr. Vicious told us. “Hell, I actually caught the package he threw at me, so I started eating it. I was like, ‘Thanks for the free lunch, dude!’ “

But things quickly turned ugly. “Outta nowhere,” continued Mr. Vicious, “some dude just screamed: ‘SHIT! He’s throwin’ bologna at us! RUN!’ ” In the minor panic that ensued, four people sustained light trampling injuries.

“My client wants to emphasize that these were very minor injuries,” said Mr. Mayer’s attorney, Barry Bratwurst. “And the lone fatality was something my client had no way of foreseeing.”

The fatality occurred when retired village idiot, Douglas Edward, was struck upside the head by a pound of bologna while feeding ducks at City Park Pond. Mr. Edward immediately lost his balance and tumbled into the pond. The mallards (Anas platyrhynchos) immediately went into action. They seized Mr. Edward by his throat and pulled him under water, where they devoured him before authorities could intervene.

“So y’see,” said Mr. Bratwurst, “it wasn’t exactly a murderous rampage. More like a manslaughterous rampage.” When asked whether his client might enter an insanity plea, Mr. Bratwurst replied, “Of course he will. The fucker is bat-shit crazy!”

By nightfall, several people had gathered at City Park Pond to mourn the loss of Douglas Edward. Several of the mourners told us the timing of his death was especially unfortunate. “After all,” said one, “If Dougie hadn’t died when he did, he probably would have lived longer.”